Losing 190 pounds, the rights and wrongs

You’ve done something in your life that you would consider an accomplishment. You might not think about it every day but if you take a couple of minutes to reflect on yourself, you can find something. It might be minor to someone else but it was something that you had to put the effort in for. You might have not expected to be able to do it. It doesn’t matter if it was yesterday or 10 years ago you still did it. You are capable of setting your mind to accomplishing something and making progress towards it.

That was the mind set I had to have going in to my diet which eventually lead to me losing 190 pounds.

Doing something that massive for yourself is quite difficult when you really don’t care about yourself or at least, don’t think much of yourself. Even saying that's massive almost feels like a lie.

Other people tell me it’s a big deal but I still don’t truly think it so. I know in the back of my mind I don’t see it that way on some level. Maybe part of that is that I’m still not happy with where I’m at yet physically. Even the way I phrased that is distancing myself from it. Not “doing something that massive for me was difficult when I don’t really care about myself” but putting it on “you” the potential reader.

If there wasn’t some sort of psychological issue there I probably wouldn’t have let myself get to 428 pounds to begin with. All I know is I did it and I somehow still continue to follow a path for myself that continues to work.

I was working in a cubicle in an office job for about 3 years and it was soul draining. I’d drive an hour to work both ways to sit and listen people complain about trivial things and not accept the type of help I was taught to prescribe by the company I worked for. Around me were nice people who were doing the same thing. It’s a sedentary job. I’ve had depression since I was 16 years old. This wasn’t really the environment where I could self-heal. I was put into a team where we would try to go “above and beyond” the typical customer service experience and that meant I would reach out to people and try to play savior in advance of them calling into our center and bear the brunt of their bad mood. I wanted to be part of that team. At this point I had already written an entire story arc for a comic book called “Flux” and it was in the process of being penciled, well the first issue was anyway. Side note, at the time this written is still not published so don’t feel bad if you haven’t heard of it. Around 3 o’clock every day I’d hit a wall. I was being a bit of slacker regardless but I didn’t want my physical energy to be the excuse. Hitting the 3 pm slump isn’t uncommon. I decided to cut sugar out of my diet. Great idea and it helped. This was probably sometime in 2016. I lost a few pounds in the process.

I have to mention a few things that I’d like to skip over but if this has any chance of helping any potential reader I have to include some information that’s relevant to all this. I mentioned before I’ve had depression since I was 16. That’s not a clinical diagnosis but I’m not sure what else you’d call it. Escapism has always been a fun tool of mine and I used it to help mitigate my self-diagnosed affliction. I to this day struggle with finding a career that I can get into that is rewarding to me, mentally and financially.

I swear all of these random bits and pieces will fit together. It’ll make sense in the end.

As one who seeks no professional help with depression does, I had a hard time in my early adult years after school. Back to escapism. Watching movies, playing video games, and reading in general were some of my favorite panaceas. If I was focusing on those I wouldn’t be focusing on myself. Another platform hit the internet in the late 2000’s that’s had a big impact on my life. Podcasts. Particularly Kevin Smith of View Askew and Smodcast fame.

I saw Clerks 2 right after I graduated high school. I still have the ticket stub, I had Kevin sign it at a book signing of his in Red Bank years later. His podcasts did and still do make me laugh and were there for me during a dark time in my life.

He mentioned cutting out sugar working for him. A guy who grew up not that far from where I live and accomplished some shit, cut out sugar, and had great results. Memory can be a faulty measure but I think I have to credit him as being the first person I heard say that it takes 2 weeks to learn a new behavior. This is 2016. I mentioned that I lost weight some weight. I started at 428 and got to around 414. This is how I cut sugar out of my diet. I looked at the nutritional information on the package of something and if it said more than 5 grams of sugar on the package I wouldn’t eat it. I don’t know where I got that number from. It helped slightly. Months went on, and a new job opening happened at my job. I took the tests for it and qualified for it and passed the interview process but didn’t get it. I got kicked out of the team that I didn’t want to leave. I started hearing people's trivial problems made sound like they were life-threatening again.

I got to a breaking point and quit after a few months of being back on that grind. The first issue of my comic was done at this point and I had submitted it to 6 publishers only 1 of which I heard back from. If someone from the comics industry reads this, I realize after speaking with some of you, that’s not that many publishers to hear rejections from when you’re starting. I was at a low point. I wanted to make a change. I still do and hope I never lose the urge to want to make a change. That urge is the only thing that actually gets you to eventually cross the line of taking responsibility for things that are within your control and changing them.

I have a comic book that’s not published and I’m now not working. I’ve got a good bit of savings left. So what do I have that’s something I can personally proud of that can motivate me to keep going? That story. I re-read that story and it still made me smile and has an emotional impact on me.

I start hitting the treadmill every day. I follow my no sugar policy. I don’t lose any more weight. One thing I do is listen to podcasts while I’m on the treadmill. I’ve branched out and started listening to Joe Rogan. I happen to listen to an episode on the Keto diet.

Now this diet is kind of controversial for some reason. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried dieting. Either my junior or senior year of high school I did Atkins. I did it for a month. I don’t remember tracking my progress but I’m sure I must have to keep going for that long. There were noticeable results. I started feeling light headed and stopped.

Having some previous success with a low carb diet and hearing all these beneficial things I decide to give it a try. I know sticking to something for at least 2 weeks can give you results. I know to be self-aware and to pay attention to how I feel. Memory is a fickle thing, but regardless I hear a number for how many carbs you should be restricted to get into ketosis. For arguments sake let’s say 25 grams daily.

If you decide this is a diet you want to try, please do your research and consult a doctor before starting to make your change.

So armed with myself self-affirmation, knowing I can accomplish things, having lost a small bit of weight, trying to go from a low point, and taking responsibility in my life, I decided to order two containers of low-carb protein powder. It was 200 to 250 calories per serving and I think somewhere between 3-5 carbs per serving. I’ll have one serving every two hours up to 5 servings daily. I mix it in a blender and I'll order 8 ounce plastic jars to store it so it’ll be premixed for the day and won’t taste grainy.

If I can do this for two weeks I can make a change. I do it and it has a big impact. I finally cracked the 400 pound mark. I’m under it, for the first time in a long time.

That’s huge. If you’re overweight and reading this you probably have a weight loss goal number in your head. My original goal was not 190 pounds, I just wanted to keep losing weight and not be stuck above 400 pounds. So now I hit a goal. The reward center in my brain is lighting up not for food but because I hit that goal. Great. I also just completely changed my palette. No matter what you eat for two weeks, if it's two weeks of the same food even if it's 2 flavors you will get fatigued on that. You’ll probably get fatigued on your third meal. I’m making progress. I continue. There are some other side effects to the way I’m doing this. I didn’t consult any doctor. The last time I went to a doctor was 2010 for hypertension, I was probably 22 or 23 at the time and probably weighed between 350 to 370 pounds. The doctor put me on heart medication.

I was working a job that had odd hours. I was drinking a lot of coffee but even worse energy drinks and energy shots daily. Once I had 2 shots in the same day and my eye started twitching. My legs would spasm when I tried to sleep and my heart raced on a few nights. That was my lifestyle before seeing the doctor. My doctor didn’t ask me about my diet or lifestyle. He just wanted to put me on medication. He sent me for a stress test and gave me a follow-up for a month later. The idea of being on heart medication at that age bothered me so I didn't take it. I didn’t treat myself well at that point so I’m not sure if it was pride or what motivated me but I made a change. I cut all caffeine and energy drinks out of my diet.

I did horribly on the stress test. All I did was work and sit at home. When the doctor checked my heart rate for the follow-up visit, the rate had dropped dramatically. I told him what I did, cutting out the assorted caffeinated products. I don’t think I mentioned not taking the medication. He wanted to keep me on it. I never went back to the doctor and quit energy drinks for years.

So it’s 2017 and I stick to the diet. My exercise regimen is close to none. I’m maybe using the treadmill here and there. I start to bridge back to regular food after those two weeks by adding in a piece of chicken for a dinner meal. I'm extremely restricting myself. I continue in my process of trying to mentally heal if you believe in that sort of thing. Winter comes and I’m a hockey fan. I take it seriously. I have a bit more free time now and I get to talk to some friends more often and one of those things we talk about is hockey. I get heavily invested. I stick to the diet but I stress eat during the games. I’ll eat half a 16 oz bag of almonds. Now I have a cheat meal that won’t make me gain weight but will slow my progress. Buffalo wings. There are 82 games in a hockey season not including the pre and post-season. I watch all 82.

That Fall I decide I’m going to start going for a run outdoors come spring.

Spring comes and I’ve lost enough weight where I actually feel comfortable enough to go running in public. When you’re over 400 pounds you really don’t like going out in public, especially if you’re self-conscience about your appearance. I forgot to mention I found an app that helped me track my progress in the summer of 2017. Now I have a tool where I can see my progress every day or every week. I started weighing in at 384 in August of 2017.

January of 2018 I’m at 335. A friend of mine asks me if I want to go to a paintball event in July. I say yes to going out a doing a physical activity and I’m not afraid I won’t be able to keep up. That’s a big step. I can say yes to going out to do certain things I wasn’t comfortable doing before.

Spring comes, and I install a game on my phone that happens to be based on your distance walked or run and I start “running” 2 miles 3-5 days a week. July comes I’m down to 267. I go on the trip. I eat whatever I want.

I still have a bad mentality when it comes to food. I was the type of person who liked to watch food challenge videos on YouTube. I see these guys doing “cheat days” where they eat 10,000 calories and still look ripped. Well, I had a cheat weekend and gained 20 pounds back—mostly water weight.

I’m running my ass off in August. I know I can cut that weight off. Now, again memory is a fickle thing and I didn’t keep a journal when I did all of this. I was treating this all as a day-by-day thing to make a change towards a better life.

I still think that’s an important attitude. If you want your life to change you have to initiate that change.

So I’m unemployed for over a year now at this point. I quit my job March in 2017 and it's 2018 when I started running. I get lightheaded when I stand at times. It happened sometimes when I was heavier but now it’s happening almost every day if not multiple times a day. It was probably happening more often than not when I stood. I start drinking a zero-calorie sports drink in addition to my mid-day shake hoping it was dehydration causing the lightheadedness.

One summer's day I come back from my run and I sit. I was sweating profusely. I get up to go to the kitchen. No one else is home except my dad who is working outside. I get to the doorway of my kitchen, grab the wall, and pass out. I blacked out for a second. When my eyes open my face is flat sideways against the floor. No one else is around. I see ants that occasionally invade our home during the summer not far from my face. I can’t move at first to get up even though I want to. I will myself up and go get another shake.

I didn’t go see a doctor even though I should have. I have no clue why that happened. It could have just been dehydrated from running in 90-degree mid-day humid New Jersey summertime weather. My Dad had a heart attack not that long ago. My grandfather who I never knew because he passed away before I was born had heart issues.

It’s dumb to ignore signs that something is wrong. The only pass I can give myself for not seeing a doctor is not having health insurance. I should at the very least have changed my diet when I noticed how frequent the lightheadedness was getting. I did change it after that. I still cut calories but now I eat more actual food. I still stick to low carb. I don’t do cheat days, or at least I haven’t in months. I feel terrible after eating a heavy carb-based meal now. Actually, I always felt terrible after eating a heavy carb-based meal but since that was the majority of my meals I never realized that’s not how a person should feel. The last time I weighed in which was last Thursday I was 237.5 on March 2st.

I started working again, not in a dream job of writing. Once I have health insurance I’ll see a doctor. I’ll open my mouth and talk about what I’ve done and what my lifestyle is like even if he or she doesn’t ask. If they don’t consider what I have to say I’ll find another doctor. I don’t get lightheaded anymore. I’ll usually eat some eggs and some breakfast meat of some sort for breakfast or I’ll do a blended ghee or butter, MCT, half and half, and coffee drink. Almond milk green tea lattes with stevia and coconut oil are great. I eat broccoli and cauliflower. I will go to a fast food restaurant and order a burger with no bun or ketchup and a diet soda even though I would have judged someone else for doing that years ago.

I really don’t care about people’s judgment anymore for the most part. I hope that’s a side effect for people who put a lot of effort into improving themselves, not giving fuck about other people’s judgments. On the weekends I don’t calorie count but I’ll still watch my carbs.

So, I’m sure this is an extremely dry read for anyone curious about how I did it. I recently read a motivational type book and I really didn’t want to emulate that even though I do think for a person to get any type of change in their life they need to be bold enough and smart enough to realize they are the ones that need to make the change. Be self-aware.

I have wiring in my head that makes me capable of treating food in an unhealthy way. I’m sure it’s the same way any addict feels about whatever they’re addicted to. I’m constantly aware of it though and I know what I have to do in order to keep making progress. That’s as brief as I could make writing about this experience. I don’t want to influence anyone into any specific diet but just share what it was like for me. I hope that’s helpful to you. I'll try to share more in the coming weeks, pictures maybe, and maybe some of that writing I love so much.